Get ready to be BOTHERED about this story of an old man in. ahotel lounge who reported a woman for talking. onthe phone.
Join comedian Julie Kim as she tells this short story and her many reflections and thoughts about what this could have possibly been all about.
A primer on hotel lounges and Winnipeg, Manitoba
I'm a stand-up comedian, and I travel a lot. This is a story of how I was bothered on one of my travels, by an incident in a hotel lounge in Winnipeg, Manitoba.
I can share two quick facts about Winnipeg: it’s got a great arts scene, and it's where I met one of my most memorable nemeses.
On this trip I stayed at a hotel with a fancy little lounge reserved for members of a loyalty program or type of room booking. Great lounge, great food, great service overall.
This lounge has an impressive breakfast buffet, and early evening cocktail snacks. To my delight they had mini samosas when I arrived one night at around 6:45pm local time. Samosas are one of my favourite foods, and never in the history of my life have I refused one.
Hotel lounge etiquette
While happily eating an astonishing number of mini samosas, I was working on my laptop and on a casual phone call with a friend.
I used my Air Pods, as I always do when on the phone in public or even at home when even one other person is around. or when I need my hands free.
There was an older couple seated many tables away from me. I had noticed that every once in a while they would turn and look my way.
At one point though they both faced me. The man scowled and SHUSHED me while gesturing with his hand.
I'll call that move the puppet hand. The fingers are kept straight and together in a horizontal orientation, while the thumb points out to the side in the same direction. The fingers and thumb then close to meet and mimic a mouth talking. Done once, I take it to mean "shut it". Done multiple times, I believe it's meant mockingly say that someone is talking too much. The rudest of assholes will do this while you are talking as if to say “blah blah blah” to diminish what you’re saying in a childish way. If done with an actual puppet over a hand, it could be considered cute and entertaining. No puppet in this case.
Clapping back at rude hotel lounge guests
I was offended and excited all at once, knowing that I was going to make him regret this. And by we, I mean me and a little savage alter ego that summons herself to appear in these instances.
With a slight smile and eye roll I said “No. Never do that to me.” I was referring to the puppet hand. And I went on with my call and mass samosa consumption.
Well, he did not like that. He stood right up and walked past me with much determination and to the concierge desk of the lounge. He walked while defiantly shaking his head side to side giving “straight to the principal’s office” vibes. He also looked to be irritated, as if he was an important person having to take care of a menial task. From where I was seated I had a view of the concierge desk to my right.
He tattled on me to the concierge, a young man who had a much more pleasant demeanour, who was not matching the old man’s energy or giving him any satisfaction in terms of a response.
As the old man went on (and on and on) about my offence of having a phone conversation a normal volume in his presence, he started walking back to his table. He brought the concierge along with him as he talked, which is a sort of power move often used by the entitled. The old man stopped close to where I was and kept gesturing at me while he spoke to the concierge. He was angry.
Somewhere in this interaction, the old man looked right at me and DID THE HAND SHUSHING THING TO ME AGAIN a few more times (see video). He squared his body towards me and gave me a menacing look. This was now mocking and aggression, and we had reached a new level. A lower level. There was no being the better person or rising above, from either of us. In that way we were equals and there's some beauty in that, no? I wonder if he was having as much fun as I was. His hands seemed to be.
Then I heard the old man actually say “I shouldn’t be able to hear her.”
Then the old man retreated to his table. The concierge returned to his desk.
About a minute later, I saw that the old man and his partner were standing and talking to people who had just entered the lounge and sat behind them, by the coffee and tea station. I assumed that he was sharing with them the major upset of his life at the time (me). The offending couple seemed to be smiling and laughing about it, maybe wanting some allies. How dare they make new friends and turn them against me??
I couldn’t not resist. As loudly as I could, I said “SSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH” and made it carry as far as it would go in their direction.
It reminded me of how as a child I would blow out all of my exhale to force all the seeds off a dandelion with a single breath, and then feel dizzy from the exertion and lack of oxygen that ensued. I’m fairly certain that I did the hand gesture that this old man liked so much, back at him.
They all stopped talking and the old man genuinely looked surprised. Surprised that I had that lung capacity? Surprised that had also been found guilty of making audible noise (remember, he doesn’t think that people are supposed to be able to hear each other)? Surprised that I was not letting this go? Perhaps all of these.
No more than five minutes after, the couple stood up and walked with their mugs of whatever hot drink they were drinking, (clearly, nothing that was THC infused or mood elevating). The woman companion walked first, with the old man behind her. She had what seemed to be a forced smile on her face as she walked by. The old man look at me with a serious face was tight lipped. No smile. :(
I would have stopped and let all of this go if he came over and apologized at any point. But he didn't so I continued to act like a child. But he did it first! LOL
Remixing the walk of shame with the dance of denial
On their way out, they stopped at the concierge desk. The old man started another conversation with the concierge, and gestured back to me AGAIN! He made more airy gestures with those darn arms and hands of his, gave a sheepish smile to the concierge, chuckled a bit, and did a light 360-degree turn on his toes as he exited in a folksy way.
It was as if he was suggesting with his body that this was no big deal. Like “hey, this is cool, right? We’re cool? This is nothing! I’m a good guy. Look at me twirl.” I've made a l'il video of it for your entertainment.
As soon as I saw those two go into the elevator, it was my turn to talk to the concierge. I forget how I started the conversation with him, but I’m pretty sure I started with “Hey so what was HIS problem?”
The concierge told me that I did nothing wrong. He also told me that at the end, the old man apologized to HIM on his way out, saying “sorry for being a grumpy old man.” So he knew he was out of line, and rectified it by apologizing to a third party. Neat.
I asked the concierge if he thought that I would have been shushed if I was a man and without hesitation he said “no.” Thank you, good concierge. I thought so.
And that was the end. No, it was not.
Sitting With It In My Feelings
That evening I felt unsettled and disturbed.
I spent time and energy being angry at how much more important this man thought he was than me. I was surprised that I was surprised at his belief that he had authority over me and that he was so dismissive. The fact that he apologized only to the concierge and not me featured prominently in the thoughts swirling in my head.
I wondered if I would have to see this man again. I wondered what either of us would do or say. In short, it was consuming for a while and took an emotional toll.
I privately shared pictures and videos to my friends almost immediately, accompanied by long text messages chronicling the encounter. My friends and I have come to almost enjoy these sorts of “guess what the F just happened to me” sharing moments. It feels warm and fuzzy to have people understand and offer supportive WTFs in the moment. It’s validating too, as many of my female friends (especially women of colour) often cite similar incidents that have happened to them. Community.
I also had to cover my bases work-wise, and reached out to a few trusted people at the same comedy festival with pictures and videos. I worriedly asked if this man was somebody important in comedy. And then one of the comics wrote back in character of a comedian in our nation and said “You're in Winnipeg. Nobody here is important in the industry.” I laughed, not because I agree, but because it was simply some levity.
Now, on with the story.
Seeking justice for microaggressions from old entitled men
I then spoke to the manager of the hotel in the main lobby. She was a young woman in the hotel uniform, which was like a skirt suit, and she was actually rocking it very well, despite the fact that it was a hotel uniform of probably too much polyester and ill-shaped.
When I told her what happened and how I reacted, her… her face lit up. She was into it. She said: “I love what you did..” And I realized that they must see this kind of behaviour from people like this all the time. And they must get a lot of shit directed at them.
It felt like we were becoming friends so I said something like “yes can you believe it? Also, can you ban him from the lounge?”
She said, “No.”
Worth a shot.
At any rate, she knew that I had paid an extra fee to be in the lounge, so she took that off for the day. Which is fine, but I would have rather paid extra to have him banned!
Finally, I asked if hotel management could please have a talk with the old man in order to correct his behaviour. I wanted him to be schooled like the child he was behaving as (which I know I was as well by now).She guaranteed me that they would be doing that.
Okay THAT is the end of the story.
No it is not! Sorry lol. Almost.
Breakfast feature: eggs and redemption
The next morning, I went back to the lounge for the deluxe breakfast. I’m talking eggs, multiple breakfast meats made of pork, smoked salmon, freshly made smoothies, a fancy coffee machine, fresh fruit, cheese and dried fruits (I don't eat cheese or dried fruits much but appreciate their contributions to the ambiance). Not a samosa in sight, though.
I saw the old man seated at a table with his partner. He kind of looked over to me, and I'm 5% convinced that he glanced over, cracked a small smile and maybe shrugged. Clearly not an apology and barely an acknowledgement. Sometimes people seem like they're smiling but it's an act of aggression. I do this sometimes. So do dogs. I had no read of the situation.
I put my stuff down at a table, and I had to walk by him to go to the food buffet.
And I swear I don't think that my next move was premeditated…
As I walked by him I firmly patted the back of his chair, bent down to be level with his face and quietly said to him, “Are we gonna behave today?”
He looked at me, and my eyes pierced into his. Then I walked on in search of some eggs.
And THAT is the end of my story. Really.
Reflections
WTF, some men?
There is this thing that some men do where they think they can control other people, especially those who aren't similar to them. They have an idea of how the world should operate, often in their favour and in ways that are convenient to them.
Was it about race?
I have thought about the fact that this old man's partner was an Asian woman. At no point did she say anything to me or anything audible – possibly just the way he likes her. But she right there with him, shushing me too (not with her hands), making a show of laughing with him, and validating everything he did and said.
I did not assume that race was a factor in our interactions, and not because because his partner was an Asian woman. I don’t think that someone having a partner or friend who is Asian doesn’t mean that they would not be racist to Asians. Or free of other biases.
Was it about gender?
I am 100% sure that happened because I was and am a woman. And mixed in there was no doubt the fact that this old man was older than my father. Perhaps race was part of it the combo too.
I believe that the reason the old man got up to “report” me and make a big show of his protest, was that I didn't comply with his request for me to be quiet. He thought that I was just supposed to do what he said.
Perhaps he's one of those men who don't know that his authority or rank in family life or at work do not extend into public spaces with complete strangers. He’s probably a boss where he works and for a long time he’s been used to people agreeing with him, deferring to him, and laughing at his basic jokes. Perhaps nine out of 10 times when he has shushed people in the past, they have simply done so and apologized. If so, it's almost not entirely his fault that this is his reality.
Lawless Territory
The matter of speaking on the phone in public is definitely one that people are not in universal agreement about. However, I don't believe anyone in a common area or public space is owed the right to not be able to hear someone (recall that he said that he should not be able to hear me!).
Maybe society (which is us, I realize) needs some rules or conventions regarding speaking on the phone in public. Maybe a sign like the one at the public pool that has key bullet points like “no running on the pool deck” or “please shower before you get in the pool”. Or the sign at the gym that says to wear shoes or not come unsupervised if you’re under the age of 12.
Maybe airport and hotel lounges should have signs that say people are allowed to be heard speaking on the phone. Even if they're women.
If there were many other people in the lounge speaking to other people in person or on the phone, would this old man have gone around shushing everybody because he could hear them? Rhetorical question because no.
If the hotel lounge was busy and full of people making any level of noise, the same phone conversation I had would not have registered in the ears of the old man and his lady partner. On this day, because the lounge was empty except for a few people, perhaps they thought they were owed more silence. My low noise half conversation was the only thing they heard other than their own noises, so I was the only one they could get irritated at. I kind of get that. I, myself, prefer the low and anonymous humming sounds of lots of people in a coffee shop vs. hearing just one person talking on the phone or in a virtual meeting or yelling to themselves (which in downtown Vancouver where I live is a reality and often terrifying).
I get very irked when somebody is speaking on speakerphone around others, and see it as a sign that the person has no social awareness or consideration. Once I sat in a busy coffee shop and the person next to me was doing a work Zoom meeting on their laptop speaker, 10x louder than any of the rest of us. I said nothing. Not because I'm afraid of conflict but because I realize that I don’t own the air. And perhaps this man learned this about himself for the first time that day. Never too late!
What do I wish I did differently?
I probably would have done nothing differently, if I could go back. At no point did I need an explanation or apology from the old man, even though that would have been decent of him. I knew what he was about from the start, and during the little ordeal he revealed himself to be even worse than I initially thought he was.
I still wish he got banned from the lounge. I just really wanted him to learn a lesson - not necessarily for the greater good but to punish him. But I do hope he will think twice and maybe three times if he ever tried to shush a woman again.
Dear hotel lounge shusher, if you’re reading this…
If that man is reading (and I’m sure as shit he’s not)... I don't know your name, you little firecracker.
Maybe you looked a little bit like a Larry or a Ralph. Let's call you Ralph for now.
Ralph: the next time you are in a place where other people are, and there's a woman talking or not obeying your commands or doing other things you don’t like, like existing…it’s ok.
Chill.
Take a deep breath, and simply SSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Thank you for sharing! I am an Asian woman and this has happened to me so many times in so many different forms. I used to ignore it, but now I give no Fs and would absolutely reverse shush or pat the chair, or yell back. Whatever seems to fit the microaggression of the day. Solidarity!
i hate this for you but love the end for him.