Episode 006 - This Child Has Two Parents
- Julie Kim
- Mar 26
- 9 min read
Updated: Apr 13
Get ready to be BOTHERED about this story of a mother who was called by her kid's school about an absence, even though she was not listed as the primary point of contact. The school cited that they normally contact mothers for absences, even in cases where the mother is not listed as the primary point of contact. WTF indeed!
Join comedian Julie Kim as she describes this story which still pisses her off every time she thinks about it. She's tried to curb the expletives, but it was hard.
Family on the Move (Not on the Run)
As a stand-up comedian and mother, my worlds collide often and often that’s intentional. I love making work trips into family trips. On a recent trip to Portland, we stopped at Great Wolf Lodge to bring joy to our child, eat overpriced fried foods, and actively try to get pink eye. Miraculously I contracted nothing. Maybe next time!
Work-life balance? More like smooshing work and life together, so there’s no clear boundary, and it’s a fun mess. You know what they say:
“A family that joins and supports the mom in her stand-up comedy career, stays together.”
What? Haven’t you heard that?
This story happened in recent history, I’ll say vaguely to not identify any school or individuals. We’ve moved schools a few times, and not because we are criminals on the run and if we were I wouldn't have joked about it just there. Or I would because people can be fooled by boldness. I would never be a criminal. My airport privileges (NEXUS, Pre-Check, valid passport using my actual identity that is permitted to travel internationally) are far too precious to me.
Absent With Cause
We were out of town on a school day – me, my husband, and my daughter.
On this trip, my husband and I forgot to notify the school that we wouldn't be there that day. Our bad. Totally, “we-a culpa” (this is a term I coined for joint mistakes, usually to make it sound like I’m not pointing the finger at the other person when that's actually what I'm doing).
When a child is expected to be in class and does not show up, the school rightfully worries. Perhaps the child is sick, and the morning is hectic, and nobody let the school know. In the worst-case scenarios, a child is lost, injured, or abducted – it’s a very serious matter! In this case, this is a primary school and if a kid hasn't shown up to school and the parents don't know where the kid is, shit has gone down. These are small and defenceless children.
Anyway, we are always supposed to let the school know of any planned absences. There’s a dedicated number and email address. They make it easy for us. And if there is an unexplained absence, administrative personnel will call the primary contact to see what’s happening. This process determines if an absence is intentional and if the parents or legal guardians are aware of it. If so, okay. If not, sound every fucking alarm. As a parent, it’s a reassurance to have this “safe arrival” procedure in place.
For our family, the primary contact is my husband.
When my child didn’t show up at school, they called ME (not the primary contact). I wasn’t available to speak when they called me because I was being interviewed on national TV. I'm often out of town or out of the country, and I'm less available to respond right away (even though I'm always on my phone but there are different reasons for being on one's phone and I don't have to justify this to anyone!!!!). lol
I am the secondary contact for a reason. For multiple reasons!
I only noticed the missed call an hour later. I saw that I had a new voicemail. If my child was actually abducted, they would have made it pretty far in the time between the school’s phone call and when I saw that there was a missed call.
Aside: When I get a voicemail, I’ll do one of the following:
If recognizing the caller, I’ll assume why they called and either act on it or not.
If the voicemail-to-text feature I pay $9/month for is working (sometimes it does not work), I will read the 25-80% accurate transcription. I will act or not act.
Only if absolutely necessary, I will call back. Absolutely necessary means bank info has been breached, medical emergency of someone I love or like (there is a difference), or an offer to star in an Apple TV show alongside Sam Rockwell. I will 1000% call back. Immediately.
Seeing the missed call, I realized no one had let the school know that we were playing hooky. And of course, my small child didn’t make the decision to skip school to do something fun. Her mother brought her on a work trip. She’s a stand-up comedian and she’s the one playing hooky from a real grown-up career.
Enter the Mental and Emotional Toll
This missed phone call cost me a loss of time, energy, and a giant amount of frustration. I am frustrated every time I recount this story.
I thought it would be easiest to email the school than to take two steps:
Tell my husband about the message, then
Have him call the school.
Insert a third step if you count what I do which is ruminate about “How could we forget to tell the school? Why are we like this?” I do this a lot. Eldest daughter of immigrant parents. Shaming and blaming, it’s second nature (actually, first).
At this point, I was also extremely interested in why the school called me instead of the primary contact, my husband. I knew why but I wanted their explanation.
But by responding back, I was exhibiting primary contact behaviour. Fuck.
The Archives
Here is the email thread that followed.
Make it make sense!
Note that I corrected my earlier email about what days she would miss at school. See? I should not be trusted to be the primary contact!
WHY SO BOTHERED???
I am still bothered. Every time I think of this story I’m infuriated. I'm so angry typing right now. I stated a reason above - this wasted my time and energy!
Additional reasons:
Reason 2: Why even ask us?
There’s a field for primary contact and secondary contact. It was filled out. Nobody had to even guess or assume anything.
My husband does drop-off and pick-up almost every morning. But he does avoid eye contact and any conversation as if they will make him die instantly. I am seen at the school once every two months. There would be no reason to assume that I'm the primary contact, or even still alive. Yet I’ve had teachers email me directly without even copying my husband.
The school knowingly discarded the information we provided, which clearly stated our preferences and what was not only easiest but the safest for our family. It was THEIR preference to call the mother - whoever made the policy, if there is an actual policy, or the person who called me.
Reason 3: What if there was an emergency?
This was lazy.
They didn't even contact my husband at all when I didn’t answer - they forgot. Why? Perhaps they thought he was so busy and important, being a man, that it was better to assume that my child was not in danger than to assume that it would be worth calling him.
Reason 4: I Smell BS And It Stinks
There's some kind of BS going on here, at some level. If this is actual policy – ick. Or, if this was the admin person’s discretion – also ick.
Could it really be official protocol for the school to call the mother if their child is missing, and not the actual primary contact listed? This means that a school or school board will ignore who the parents actually indicated as the primary contact, and they will simply contact the mom for absences.
It can't be! Could this just be people using their discretion, consciously making the first call to the mother when they were instructed not to? Why? And what other unwritten protocols exist?
If this is a documented standard operating practice, what would it say?
“Do not under any circumstances bother the father. He is busy and important, we assume. Contact only the mother, even if she is not the primary parent indicated or even a contact.
If you don't have her number, find her. Send the police to her job which must be unimportant and meaningless, have them handcuff her and bring her to the school through a tunnel of reporters and mother-in-laws with wagging fingers who shame her and tell her that she doesn't deserve children. Do this even if the mother doesn't have custody, even if she's dead – she is still responsible. If you cannot find her, find the next of kin that is a female – must be a female – nobody with a penis is allowed to be bothered by any slight inconvenience.”
Primary Contact Vibes
I hate that this is what I’ve observed, but most moms I know have primary contact vibes – me included.
I’ll be first to shoot off an email if there's an issue to bring up or reply to. It's not often, though.
I am the more extraverted-seeming parent in our family. Most moms I know are more outwardly personable than their male partners.
Some of my friends have husbands who are friendly chatters and soccer coaches. They can make friends on the beach or a grocery store. They organize. They are rare. I'm not even saying I want one of those.
I have a husband who wants to leave the party before he arrives. Low social battery. He's not autistic but selectively acts like it sometimes. I've said too much.
And many moms take on most of the mental load, not even always because anyone’s forcing them but because it’s easier and things get done and properly. Sometimes it comes from a willful and/or weaponized incompetence from the other partner.
Here’s a recent conversation I had with my husband about booking summer camps for our daughter, in February (yes, February):
Me: You think she’d want to do bike riding or an arts camp in week 4 of summer break?
Husband: Uh… when… what is…
And in that time, I’ve booked the summer camps. End scene.
And I know many other moms like this – the get sh1t done people. And this is all part of how we are, perceived, and assumed as the primary contacts.
No Thanks, Whataaboutism
This is not the time to remind me that some people are single parents.
Pointing out that there are single parents who have it worse and calling me “lucky” for even hoping to rely on an equal partner is the problem in the first place.
Can you imagine a reality where the mom is the primary contact, and someone – anyone – contacts the dad instead? NEVER LOL.
Also, don’t tell me that we’re lucky to have schools. Or people working in schools. Yes, sure. Of course. Not the point, though.
Let’s stay on track. This angry track of justified rage.
Notorious RBG Story
There’s a fairly famous anecdote from Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg about a time when a school repeatedly contacted her about issues related to her son, James.
She relayed: “So, I would get called by the head of the school, the school psychologists or the room teacher to come down immediately to hear about my son's latest escapade. Well, one day, I think I'd been up all night writing a brief. I was at my office at Columbia Law School. I got the call. And I responded, this child has two parents. Please alternate calls.” (Source: NPR)
She said after that, she received fewer calls about her son She believed that this was because “they had to think long and hard before asking a man to take time out of his work day to come to the school.”
And this was in the 1960s! That’s right, about 60 years later, the traditional assumption that mothers are always the primary contact for schools still exists. This sh1t is still happening.
RBG fought for gender equality and women’s rights, and she deserves better. I deserve better. We all deserve better, and that includes the kids. And in this story, me!!
Wasting someone’s time is being rude. Wasting a woman’s time is rude and a civil rights issue. I’m paraphrasing RBG here.
How To Effect Change (And Have Fun)
Henceforth, when there's a call or email about our child coming me to me instead of my husband, I will do one of the following:
Play the voice of Justice Bader Ginsburg saying, “this child has two parents.”
Politely ask why the caller hates women. Suggest resources like getting an education or a book about being a decent person.
Have the caller hold as I patch my husband in on a 3-way call, then immediately hang up once he picks up.
Create a rule in my inbox where school related emails sent only to me get automatically forwarded to my husband. Actually, I'm imagining here but does this exist?
Goodbye Forever, For Now
Here's a message for any school or after-school or camp program staff who are intent on forcing the default parent role on moms:
If it's hard for you, please lose my number FFS!
Unless my husband does not answer when you call. Then of course, you are so welcome to call me and thank you so much for your concern. We appreciate you. :)
Thanks for reading, everyone.
PLEASE like, subscribe, comment, rate below, etc! If you have a story to share that could be related to a future episode or this one, email us at bothered@juliekimcomedy.com.
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